Recovery Patterns of Codependence




Denial Patterns I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling. I am aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment.
I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel. I embrace my feelings as being valid and important. I am truthful with myself.
I perceive myself as being completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others. I keep the focus on my own well-being. I know the difference between caring and caretaking.
Low Self-Esteem Patterns I have difficulty making decisions. I trust my ability to make effective decisions.
I judge everything I think, say, or do harshly, as never “good enough.” I accept myself as I am. I emphasize progress over perfection.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts. I feel appropriately worthy of the recognition, praise, or gifts I receive
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires. I meet my own needs and wants when possible. I reach out for help when it’s necessary and appropriate.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own. I have confidence in myself. I no longer seek others’ approval of my thoughts, feelings, and behavior.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person. I recognize myself as being a lovable and valuable person.
Compliance Patterns I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger. I am rooted in my own values, even if others don’t agree or become angry.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same. I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long. I am committed to my safety and recovery work. I leave situations that feel unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals.
I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own. I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want. I consider my own interests first when asked to participate in another’s plans.
I accept sex when I want love. My sexuality is grounded in genuine intimacy and connection. I know the difference between lust and love.
Control Patterns I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves. I realize that, with rare exceptions, other adults are capable of managing their own lives. My job is to let them.
I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel. I accept and value the differing thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them. I feel comfortable when I see others take care of themselves.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked. I am a compassionate and empathic listener, giving advice only if directly asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about. I carefully and honestly contemplate my motivations when preparing to give a gift.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance. I feel loved and accepted for myself, just the way I am.
I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others. I develop relationships with others based on equality, intimacy, and balance.

The Recovery Patterns of Codependency is reprinted from the website with permission of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. (CoDA, Inc).  Permission to reprint this material does not mean that CoDA, Inc. has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that CoDA, Inc. agrees with the views expressed herein.  Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.
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